I’m starting over yet again. It’s 12:05am on July9, 2012. I have little left and I either start over or die. I miss my old life of so long ago: teacher, friend, student, funny girl, exciting, — I’m a shell of that person now.
In 2005 I was struck down with a rare disease. One day I’ll blog the whole story but I have yet to put it to paper. It’s still as fresh as the day I found out, but many things have happened since. I’m tired and full of anger and sorrow. This shouldn’t be me anymore.
I miss Al. He is no longer mine. What will I do without someone truly caring if I live or die? It haunts me that I will die alone. But in the end why do I care? I have been waiting to die since being dx so why should I care if I’m alone when it happens.
Alone…there’s another word I’m all too familiar with. Maybe you are as well. I’m rambling since I have nothing concrete to say yet so many things going through my head. I want a life, but I’m too afraid to create one again so I hide behind wanting to die. I think I’ve done that my whole life…hiding.