BYE bye badman….bye bye

I’m starting over yet again.  It’s 12:05am on July9, 2012.  I have little left and I either start over or die.  I miss my old life of so long ago:  teacher, friend, student, funny girl, exciting, — I’m a shell of that person now.  

In 2005 I was struck down with a rare disease.  One day I’ll blog the whole story but I have yet to put it to paper.  It’s still as fresh as the day I found out, but many things have happened since.  I’m tired and full of anger and sorrow.  This shouldn’t be me anymore.

I miss Al.  He is no longer mine.  What will I do without someone truly caring if I live or die?  It haunts me that I will die alone.  But in the end why do I care?  I have been waiting to die since being dx so why should I care if I’m alone when it happens.

Alone…there’s another word I’m all too familiar with.  Maybe you are as well.  I’m rambling since I have nothing concrete to say yet so many things going through my head.  I want a life, but I’m too afraid to create one again so I hide behind wanting to die.  I think I’ve done that my whole life…hiding.Image

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