So I’ve been pretty damn depressed for several months. Having an incurable illness and being on crappy medications sucks. Then add in not being able to work at the profession you planned for for years is just the icing on the cake. I also gained a ton of weight from being sick and prednisone. Ugh…I’m not married, no children and no prospects on the horizon. Fun times, huh?
But lately I’ve been S L O W L Y losing weight going low carb and I’ve been going to the community gym 3 to 4 times a week. I usually burn 425 to 550 calories each time. I actually like going to the gym, but late at night–around 10pm. I don’t mind being there when others are there, but I like going late because it’s nice and quiet. Even when I’m pooped I make myself go.
I need to get my life back on track. My old life is GONE, but that doesn’t mean I’m dead. It’s time to build a different life. I can’t continue to mourn my old life.
I’m starting over yet again. It’s 12:05am on July9, 2012. I have little left and I either start over or die. I miss my old life of so long ago: teacher, friend, student, funny girl, exciting, — I’m a shell of that person now.
In 2005 I was struck down with a rare disease. One day I’ll blog the whole story but I have yet to put it to paper. It’s still as fresh as the day I found out, but many things have happened since. I’m tired and full of anger and sorrow. This shouldn’t be me anymore.
I miss Al. He is no longer mine. What will I do without someone truly caring if I live or die? It haunts me that I will die alone. But in the end why do I care? I have been waiting to die since being dx so why should I care if I’m alone when it happens.
Alone…there’s another word I’m all too familiar with. Maybe you are as well. I’m rambling since I have nothing concrete to say yet so many things going through my head. I want a life, but I’m too afraid to create one again so I hide behind wanting to die. I think I’ve done that my whole life…hiding.